Peru, Peru, Peru. The 18th largest country in the world by land mass, roughly the size of Alaska, and twice the size of Texas. It is enormous and full of adventure so far.
I have nicknamed it the India of South America because it is simply insane, and all the cars and dogs are out to kill you.
Crossing into Peru I had two set dates that I needed to make. First, a flight to Iquitos from Lima for an ayahuasca retreat on 9/23. Second, Cusco at the end of October for a visit from Sarah and my mom.
Two dates spaced a month apart doesn’t seem too difficult to make. Also considering spending nearly two months in country, this should be plenty of time to make my way around. But at the half way mark, it’s going to be tight.
Peru is the land of road construction, dirt trails, 16,000’ mountain passes, and switchbacks. It has amazingly beautiful scenery and has quickly made me become a better rider.
Parts are beyond remote, and more times than I would like to remember I have checked the batteries of my GPS beacon to ensure I could call for a helicopter if I needed help.
I have been drawing my route each day to avoid the major highways, electing for remote mountain roads where farmers and llamas are the only company and incredibly infrequent.
The people I have met along the way have varied to say the least. Peru seems to have a growing and hustling middle to upper class who are very proud of what they have accomplished and love to show and host you in their country. I have also come across incredibly poor people in the country who are confused at my presence and see me as a cash machine, understandably.
Not long after entering the country I was cruising through a trail in the mountains and crashed on some loose shale near a mine in the area. I wasn’t hurt, but shook and frustrated, luckily I was able to pick up the bike get back on without any help. I hadn’t seen anyone for hours and feared if I crashed I would be stuck there overnight.
Making it to a flat area I parked the bike and took a break to look at the map and calm down after the scare. Not five minutes later a pickup truck packed with people rolls by with its passengers waving and staring with confused looks. Disappearing behind a dirt berm along their way.
A few moments later eight people, two older women and six kids approach me from where the truck had stopped. Waving as they approached and said hello. Figuring they were curious I engage with the small amount of Spanish I know. Quickly I realize they weren’t curious but wanted money. The little boy starts yelling and stomping his feet yelling “PLATA PLATA” over and over again. Staring at the women I tell them I don’t understand and don’t speak Spanish.
Certainly not the first time I have been asked for money randomly. I was just taken back and left wondering how often that approach works. Thinking that the kid could work on his presentation.
What made it different though was the remoteness of the engagement. It was just me and them and the thought crossed my mind concerning that the men from the truck might come back and demand something. Nothing happened in the end, but if it did, not sure I would be able to do much.
Criss-crossing through the Andes I was feeling good, bike was running well, and I was excited for the upcoming trip to Iquitos. As mentioned these areas in Peru are very remote. There are no google reviews and the roads aren’t on google maps. There are no hostels and the lodges are often a room in someones home.
I have been ticking off the highest mountain passes in Peru from a site called DangerousRoads.com. These routes have to be drawn and found via satellite images. Often I don’t know what will be on the other side. The iOverlander app has been great for research and people often post these ‘hosts’ who will let you stay.
Every ride the views leave me saying ‘wow’ and take a moment to observe it all. Knowing that very few other outsiders have ever seen the same place. It is an adventure and no adventure is easy. The riding is difficult and the weather ever changing including snow at higher elevations.
More often than not after arriving at my accommodation for the night it’s cold and lonely. I can’t communicate except for the monetary transaction. I’m never comfortable or at home and wonder all the time how people keep this lifestyle up indefinitely. Coming to the conclusion that whatever they are running from must be worse. I was thinking a lot heading into Iquitos and was searching for answers.
Nestled in the Andes east of Lima I left a particularly strange town. I hadn’t seen a gas station, hot water, or electricity in three days and started to get worried I’d have to push the bike down the mountain.
With the weather being pretty good in Peru so far the roads had all been dry. The previous night it poured, I knew it poured from a puddle on the floor made by a hole in the roof I saw the following morning.
I’ve read about bad road conditions but you can read anything online. About 15 miles outside of town along a desolate stretch I notice that there were no locals on the road, no motorbikes and no cars. Reminded of a time on a muddy road in Cambodia and falling in a mud pond.
The road surface didn’t seem that muddy but I was still proceeding with caution. The bike weighs ~600lbs with a full tank of gas and my luggage. It’s heavy, isn’t nimble, and takes a lot to keep it under control.
Slowly approaching a left handed turn, the bike seems to be slowing more than usual. Inching along, giving it more gas yields nothing. The engine is revving but not going anywhere until it continues to slow, finally stops, and stalls.
While it wasn’t muddy per se, the clay earth mixed with the small stones turned into a mucky cement mess which built up and seized the chain, sprockets, and wheels. Clearing it out and able to drive another 45’ when it stops again. This time a farmer watching me from across the field comes to help clear the mud.
I thank him for the help and after he runs after his sheep telling me to stay in the car tire track. This time I make it 65’ before stopping. Frustrated I stop and think about my options.
Consulting the map I see there is a turn close. Deciding to leave the bike to walk the 3 km to the turn and see if it is paved and maybe find a truck to get a tow along the way.
Arriving at the intersection the road is still dirt but another farmer walks with me back to the bike. We share a basic conversation and I deduct that everyone is waiting until after 12 for the sun the dry the road. Around a three hour wait from then. He watches me clear out the mud while his demon dog barked at me and nipped at my boots. He waved goodbye and thankfully his dog went with him.
Cleaning out the mud rock concrete mix from the bike was difficult and after an hour the wheel could spin freely. Collecting around the primary gear it had pulled the chain so tight, a seal had ripped and oil was now leaking from the engine.
Topping the engine off with the last remaining oil I had, I waited for the sun.
Like the farmer said, the sun came and baked the road. Providing me a window to escape before the next storm. I am not sure what people do during the actual rainy season.
Arriving late in the afternoon at the next big town I decide to rest for the night and make a plan. The oil wasn’t pouring out but the flow would increase as the seal deteriorated with use.
Upon arriving in Lima I identified the part number and went to the Kawasaki distributor. I needed a new speedometer cable and the three rubber seals. Easily finding them online the seals cost $17 in the states, Kawasaki Peru wanted $270 and two weeks for shipping, not including labor.
Electing instead to stock up on oil and wait a month until my family can bring them when they visit.
I decide to try one more thing and throw a Hail Mary to a WhatsApp group I was invited to in Mexico. I asked if anyone could help in Lima and sent the part numbers. Within minutes I was messaged by a man who owned a shop as well as a few KLRs. He had the parts I needed and carved out time with his mechanic for the following morning. Bingo!
Early the next morning I make my way to the other side of town. I planned on asking for shop space or buying the parts and doing it myself in the hostel parking lot; as my experience with mechanics so far has been abysmal. It’s a difficult conversation to have. “Hey, yeah I know this is what you do for a living but everyone has sucked so far. I don’t know what I am doing but trust my lack of knowledge over your experience”.
The shop was really nice, tons of big foreign bikes which means big money down here. I spoke with the owner for a while and went over what I needed. He worked as an Engineer and Chemist in his career and decided to pursue his dream and open of a motorcycle shop. Looks like the idea worked out for him.
He’s a sharp guy and knows the KLR well. I knew from youtube, how to do the procedure but was worried about the first step. Removal of the nut holding on the sprocket. When Josh and I were building the bike in Denver we tried to remove it, we tried for days to remove it and never got it. Eventually deciding to forget about it and bring the spare with me.
Telling Cristian, the shop owner, about the experience he laid out my options. Understanding my concerns he assured me he put his best guy on it. I told him I wanted to learn and asked if they minded that I watched. I did want to learn but I also want to make sure it was done right. He introduced me to the mechanic and got started on the laundry list of items.
Amelia brought me a ton of really heavy parts. Heavy for her to carry (thank you!) and heavy/taking up space on my bike. It provided a good opportunity to replace them. Currently about 12,000 miles in on a 20,000 mile trip, a little over half way. I may have replaced them prematurely but everything should last now until the finish line.
Quickly it is clear the mechanic is a true professional and I am in good hands. It took him and another guy using a 6’ breaker bar to remove the nut I had trouble with. Feeling better that we couldn’t remove it and acknowledging I made the right choice as I couldn’t have removed it in the hostel parking lot.
Cristian and I chat for a few hours covering just about everything. It is my first time conversing with a Peruvian who is well educated and speaks fluent English. We cover politics, life, the future, and living in Peru. Topics very difficult to communicate if you are not fluent in the language.
Peru is currently undergoing an election and a few days ago the president called for the entire congress to be fired due to corruption. Really big news in the country but haven’t seen anything else where, surprise.
He is excited for the future of Peru and wants to help his country grow. Believing there is so much opportunity and ready to work hard. It was inspirational to hear and thought if he could feel that way about Peru, I could feel that way about the States.
Asking if I had lunch he brought me to a local ceviche restaurant, there are no tables, just some folks standing around and eating at the counter. We watched the news while he explained the history of the current events and picked up the tab. His hospitality is unparalleled.
Back at the shop a few of his buddies swing by on their Triumphs and KTMs. One of the bikes, so rare I have only seen it on Instagram.
We chat for a while, asking about my trip and the work we were doing. They are planning a ride and BBQ on Friday and ask if I am free to come along. My schedule is wide open and graciously accept. Ending the day with plans and an invoice which was more than fair. Citing that he wants to to the same trip one day and knows he will need help at some point too. ::See a theme here?::
Friday rolls around while I spent my time preparing for my ayahuasca retreat and onward travel. One of the important items to prepare before going to a retreat is the pre diet. Basically you need to eat as close to vegan as possible and the #1 rule is no pork, alcohol, or sugar.
Starting on the diet two weeks before I was very committed until one morning I experienced truly being hangry while experiencing caffeine/sugar withdrawal. It sucked and hated everything as I drove a difficult trail with no energy and convinced myself that I should bail and leave the bike right then and there. Thankfully I didn’t do that and weened myself off a little softer.
By Friday, three days before the retreat, my diet was solid. I was preparing food and had identified common meals I could eat in the restaurants.
Meeting Cristian and his friend with a warm welcome at a gas station we discussed the days route. Earlier in the shop I told him I needed help with my dirt riding and how to be a better rider overall. Cristian was also a former semi-pro dirt bike rider before an injury stopped him from continuing. He loves to share his knowledge and help people improve their riding.
Using the off-road capabilities of the bikes to circumvent traffic on the way out of the city. Which would result at a minimum with a license suspension in the states. We arrive where a tough mudder type race was held. The hills and dirt fields provide a great place to improve. Practicing drills for a few hours I can already feel better and more confident on the bike.
Next stopping at another friends house for a BBQ. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I couldn’t eat what was being prepared. It was a few guys hanging out enjoying the day together. I figured, what would one beer and a little bit of meat hurt? I was incredibly thankful for the opportunity and hospitality.
Well I only had one beer but I ate my body weight in meat. I couldn’t stop, I don’t know how it was prepared but the beef and pork were amazing. It was maybe the best meat I have ever had and it didn’t help I had been craving it for weeks. Ending the day taking a nap in a chair on the lawn making peace with any adverse effects that might follow the following week.
There are no roads to Iquitos. The only way to arrive is by boat or plane. Originally I planned on bringing my bike on a cargo barge up the river, the journey would take 5 days - what an adventure! Until I realized it would take another 5 days back down. Which didn’t seem worth it and elected for the 1.5 hr plane ride instead.
I think I first heard about ayahuasca in 2015, around my first time going to Burning Man. Cliche? I may have heard about it before then but not by its name. Knowing only at the time that is is an incredibly powerful psychedelic. A google search would return unbelievably powerfully positive experiences and unbelievably negative terrifying ones. One of the guys from Burning Man had actually gone down to Peru in 2014 for a retreat but was pretty indifferent about the whole thing.
My interest was reignited after I was given The Untethered Soul by my old boss and learned about meditation. Looking back, that was an extremely impactful moment along my recent journey of self development. Trusting her and to be motivated enough to read it, said a lot about me during that time. To take it to heart and looking back I see it as a life impacting, trajectory shifting moment that I am incredibly thankful.
In that time I started to understand choice and that choice meant, beyond if I should eat out for lunch or pack one. It meant how I reacted to situations and how I processed emotions. Two areas of many, I have never done well with. I am embarrassed by too many moments when I didn’t handle myself well to say the least.
Before then reactions and emotions never seemed like a choice, and that my energy or ‘vibe’ was totally mine, it couldn’t and wouldn’t have an impact on others. These were core beliefs and how I carried myself. Looking back I can see how I got them wrong.
Emotions, especially anger, seemed to completely overtake me before I had a chance to make or choice or react. To be told and learn that I was actually responsible for those moments resulted in a realization that I had a lot of work to do, and needed to change. I saw the qualities I would judge others for in myself and was ashamed that others most definitely saw them in me too.
I was planning for a year long trip with an underlying theme of soul searching. This seemed like an area that required attention and one that was worth while. An area I finally accepted I needed to work on it and one I was ready to face.
Reading more books about spirituality, consciousness, and being present, I learned that we all have an underlying personality that can take over us if we let it. One we don’t actively identify with or acknowledge but is very real, powerful, and composed of reactions and defense mechanisms to the negative things we have experienced in the past. It is known as our shadow.
Similar to an autopilot programming for ourselves, taking over in moments of fear and anger lashing out. The moments we don’t recognize our behavior can be attributed to our shadow taking over but regardless inexcusable.
Realizing that I have been carrying around this shadow baggage for a long time, but needed help to look at it. Also understanding that psychedelics can be very powerful in helping people view themselves while breaking down barriers in their mind. Enter ayahuasca.
Learning that ayahuasca is not a recreational psychedelic by any means. But used for healing and each ceremony has been compared to 6-9 months of therapy- a figure that’s passed around but not sure can be proven.
People sharing stories that after using ayahuasca being able to overcome depression and improving mental health are everywhere. Being able to process difficult memories or long forgotten childhood memories from a safe third person perspective help people to finally process events of their past. Along with healing past trauma, providing creative inspiration, and having life changing visions of the future.
Along with all the positive stories are stories of people dying in the jungle due to medication or health complications. Stories of women being abused by evil shamans using black magic or robbing them. Also purging, many many stories of people becoming very sick which and is what a lot of people associate with it. “Ayahuasca, doesn’t that make you throw up?”
Mixed bag of results but I felt it calling and felt the benefits outweighed the risks. Also with the internet, I felt comfortable trusting a retreat center with enough research.
Originally when I planned this trip around the world, my route first took me to South America. I wrote to centers about my questions and was excited to have this experience at the beginning. Thinking it would provide me topics to ponder during the following months.
Well that changed once I decided to go to Nepal to hike Everest Base Camp and looked at the weather patterns along the route. The original planned route coincided with the wet season in every country providing the worst weather in all regions. The exact opposite path yielded the highest probability for the best weather, which is what I chose.
I wanted this experience early and wondered if I should fly to Peru first, do the retreat, then go back to Asia. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t do that as it all worked out perfectly, exactly as it was intended.
Keeping in touch with the centers and reaching out as I approached Peru I made my decision on the date and selected a center. I haven’t met many people who have taken part in a ceremony and met no other travelers who have participated, only a few considering it.
Iquitos is located in the Peruvian rainforest along the banks of the Amazon river. The area is known for ayahuasca and other plant medicines that are illegal most every other place in the world, and it’s also the number one driver of tourism to the area. These plants grow naturally here and have been apart of their culture forever.
Arriving at the airport I meet another person going on the same retreat. She is an American doing a similar trip except did South American first and was traveling to Nepal next month. Funny to meet someone with such a similar plan that I felt was so unique.
We talked on our ride to the hotel but kept the conversation pretty light. It’s weird this drug tourism thing, we both know why we are here, but we have also been living in a world where it is illegal, and talking openly about it still feels weird. Also the reasons for coming and seeking this out are heavy and not a usual part of a get to know you conversation.
That night in the hotel I sat awake remembering how long of a journey it has been leading up to this moment. I contemplated what I might learn and how it would differ from other psychedelic experiences. I pondered what it might show me or shine a light on. Afraid that there might be horrible things my mind has hidden from me which was the reason for and fueled my anger. Afraid that I would be one of the ones living the horrible experience posts I had read. That I would be the guy who breaks his mind and thinks he’s a glass of orange juice.
My mind wonders I am reminded when I arrived in Mumbai nearly a year ago and learning about Peter’s death in the back of the cab. I am not sure why I thought about that but it felt like a lifetime ago, a different reality.
Reflecting back on my feelings of leaving Denver over a year ago, a year of traveling, up until now. Thankful for how much I experienced and how much I have changed, learned, and developed. At the same time how much I am the same, the person I am now was always there but was never the choice.
In the morning we meet in the hotel lobby. Five members of our group, two western facilitators, and two Peruvian shamans. We board the van for our two hour ride to the dock. Their isn’t much talking and it is obvious we are all nervous while we ride in silence.
Our shamans are not as I would have expected them. If I saw them on the street they would blend in to the crowd. Normal western clothes, jewelry, a gold tooth or two, and headphones attached to a cell phone. They didn’t scream ayahuasca shaman, but if they walked around with a staff, weird clothes, and holding a jaguar skull I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable with that either.
When researching the various centers I really wanted to make sure it was an ‘authentic’ experience. Something didn’t sit right with me having a white guy from Canada chanting in tongues while drinking a boiled root strew in the jungle.
But there is a line that needs to be reached between not having the ability to communicate with the shaman in their native language and a retreat creating what you expected in a fake theme park sense. I was happy with our retreat center finding a happy medium. The shamans have no idea about the western way of living and associated problems and we have no idea about theirs. There needs to be an translation layer which is what our facilitators provided.
Also, I can’t totally identify with and buy into the spiritual energy woo woo that fills yoga studios and mindful die hards. I think there is certainly something to be said for it and believe it can be impactful but believe a lot comes down to intentions, placebo, and ultimately yourself.
Arriving at the docks we loaded onto a long wooden flat bottom boat and made our way two hours down the Amazon to a tributary offshoot where the center was located.
It was a simple compound, like a psychedelic summer camp. Four wooden cabins on stilts connected by a boardwalk with a large shared space in the middle. A separate circular wooden structure located a minute walk is the ceremony space.
We were aquatinted with the facilities and schedule for the rest of our time there. Meals served at specific times as to not interfere with the medicine, generator power for one hour a day, and lots of time for reflection and naps.
Each day at 5pm we are given a flower bath by the shamans and at 7pm we walk to the ceremony space in preparation of drinking at 8pm. The most important and only required event of our day is the group share each morning at 10am to help process the events from the previous night.
The retreat is eight days and seven nights long with five ayahuasca ceremonies and with the opportunity for a Kombo (frog poison) session. The menu is extremely strict as to work best with the medicine and to keep you low energy helping processing and recovery. Five days of anything is a lot, five days of ayahuasca seemed like an excessive unparalleled psychedelic bender.
Alas, here I am and am excited to take part in this experience. We kick off the week with our first group share in preparation of the ceremony that evening. Around the circle we go and get very deep immediately. We share desires to heal past traumas, hope for the future, and battling bouts of depression. I could feel that we had a good group and while it was uncomfortable there was immediate trust.
Speaking about our familiarity of ayahuasca some were more experienced than others and the facilitators helped us with questions and concerns. Telling us of their experience with the medicine and that it would be a hard, challenging week. That the ayahuasca will show you what you ask it to and what you are prepared to see. It might be extremely difficult to process and bring up terrible repressed memories and trigger a “bad trip”. Anything and everything is in play but trust yourself and trust that you came here to heal.
Quickly realizing that every story I have heard/read was true, good or bad. Curious while cautiously optimistic of what mother vine ayahuasca would show me.
Not before long after an afternoon of mentally preparing and settling in, it’s 5pm and time for our first flower bath. Buckets of water mixed with flowers and plants from the jungle are poured over us. The smell and look of the water reminded me of tea. After we change but are told not to wash off the scent of the flowers, it does smell nice and probably the best I’ve smelled in months.
Having never seen ayahuasca before I asked if I could see it being made. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible as it is sourced from someone who has the dosage down to a science. A dose is about 3/4 of an ounce drank from a shot glass sized cup.
Our medicine was made from trueno ayahuasca with the huambisa plant. Both work together to provide the experience. We are told this combination is known to be very strong and for the first night everyone will be drinking one dose and monitor how we react. But assured that in most cases one dose is plenty.
Arriving at the ceremony space we take our places on our mats. Which are lined along the edges of the circular room. I take the last mat next to the where the shamans will be sitting. The shamans drink with us and navigate their own and our hallucinations to help heal and move energy through singing and chanting.
Nervously we wait for the shamans to enter. Quietly they arrive, dressed exactly as you would expect an amazonian shaman to be dressed. Covered in cloth shawls with strange patterns and wearing a unique head dress. They sit at their area and prepare their ritual.
First, the woman shaman walks around the room cleansing the energy using what would be the equivalent of holy water. Except made of plants and is kind of an alcohol type cleaner. It has a strange smell and sort of burns my skin.
Once returned to their area the shamans chant together into the ayahuasca and out into the space. Setting intentions and for lack of a better word casting positive spells. The whole thing felt like witchcraft which only grows as the ceremony progresses.
Giving the signal they are ready, the first person is called to the front while I wait patiently for my turn. Watching others faces as they drink the cup and return to their mats with their puckered lips from drinking something uniquely horrible.
My turn, approaching the area in front of the shamans I kneeled before them. Noticing my shadow cast behind them from the candle light behind me. Taking the cup, exhaling, and knocking my head back while swallowing the brown root brew. First impressions, I’ve never tasted anything like this before, but it’s foul. A feeling that only grows with the frequency of drinking it.
Returning to my mat I lay comfortably with my thin blanket. On my left, my bucket, where I will purge when needed. On my right, a flash light and my jacket. Settling in I take a look around the room and watch as other meditate to enter their space.
Eventually laying down, I fall asleep. Awoken by the shamans chanting and singing their songs. Right before the shaman crawls towards me I purge into the bucket. The purging really wasn’t that bad. Yes you are throwing up but it is a relief, as I was feeling nauseous until then and once it’s over, it’s over.
With the shaman sitting in front of me and chanting to me, the little bit I felt previously coming on has vanished and I felt sober. Sitting cross legged for ~20 mins as they both work on my energies with chanting and channeling the ayahuasca. I can’t say I buy into this whole energy work business but it is part of their traditional ceremony so will participate. The chanting and song though, is something I later learn is powerful.
Finally they finish and move on and I am free to go back to sleep. A few hours later I am woken up and told the ceremony is over.
Waking up I was a bit disappointed I didn’t experience anything while others told stories of nice hallucinations and lucid memories. Nothing ground breaking but over all positive with everyone experiencing varying levels. The facilitators reminding us that sometimes nothing happens the first time as the medicine is making its way into your brain.
I did feel there was a moment the ayahuasca was almost creating a rubric. Searching and taking inventory of what to work on and making a plan. Getting its bearings and deciding what to tackle first.
During the day, in and out of naps I was getting more messages and thoughts from the medicine. Thinking that the present moment could be compared to a blank canvas that can become crowded by choosing to bring things from the past to crowd and fill the limited space. Understanding that this blank canvas in the present is what forms the future and is able to manifest anything. I remembered messages from books I have read and lessons I hoped to internalize.
Speaking with the facilitators I asked them if I could take a second cup that night as the previous night I didn’t feel anything. They said it was no problem and when the time came they would announce the opportunity.
Sharing that a good way to work with the medicine is to talk to it as it sits in your stomach. Ask it questions and play with it. Leading up to the ceremony I decided I would be taking the second cup when the time came.
In the ceremony space I waited for my turn and following the cadence of the night before approached the shamans and took my first cup.
Returning to my bed sitting with my back on the wall and legs extended. My stomach wasn’t feeling terrible and I wrestled with the taste in the mouth. As it was turning my stomach I started to talk to it and state my intentions. Telling the ayahuasca that I was ready for whatever it wanted to show me. It felt like a conversation, replying to my statements with “Are you really, really sure?” Me replying with a resounding “Yes”.
45 mins passed when I decided to get a bit more comfortable and lay on my back, I was bored and growing weary. I figured it was another dud and would need a second cup.
Then it started with vibrations down my spine, like a cell phone vibrating on a table. Which spread to my arms and legs finally closing my eyes, drifting into a dream like state.
Not much time passed when the facilitator made the rounds asking if anyone wanted an additional cup, walking past me and repeating his offer again ensuring I heard it. I sat up and acknowledged his offer by nodding.
Thinking to myself if this is where it’s going to peak I want another cup. Turning my questioning inward asking the witches brew what I should do. Hearing “give me a minute” with a devilish smile. Trusting the message, I laid back down and was catapulted into a dimensionless space where I was and wasn’t, there was and wasn’t nothing.
I’m not sure I can ever put into words what I experienced and will keep my notes for my personal journal.
What I can say though that it was a completely profound experience but can also understand how it would be utterly terrifying if you weren’t prepared.
It started with completely separating my mind from my body and losing all sense of time while floating through what I can only describe as nothing.
Over the next three hours I watched as my mind was pieced back together. Answering questions like “I can see but I don’t have eyes”. Manifesting said eyes and plugging them into their sockets. Slowly all my senses came back and after fixing a few things like smelling through my hands, I had a body! I was trilled it was amazing to have a body and was thankful.
An outsider watching my physical body trashing around on the floor and making strange noises would conclude that I was going through an exorcism.
When the shamans made their rounds and arrived in front of me me I couldn't physically face them but could sense and communicate with them with my thoughts. Encouraging me to wrestle and fight and learn what it was showing me.
Once the physical body was created the journey was turned inward and focused on the rebuilding and clearing barriers in my mind. Things that needed to be adjusted I recognized as anger, fear, and aggressiveness, etc. As I acknowledged them I morphed into a lizard type dragon.
Screeching like a dragon blowing fire I scow at the room scanning for any threats. While protecting my blanket and sheets that was now my nest containing my eggs. I am not sure what I was protecting them from but they needed to be protected and I was ready to fight.
Realizing that this was absurd and was being ridiculous. I didn’t need to be a dragon lizard and I needed to have these levels adjusted. I was unbalanced and like a distribution pie chart I needed to act with more love and importantly be more comfortable with love.
I needed to be more like a cat, I needed to find my purr. Find those moments and people in life that bring pure joy, enough to invoke a purr. Now I am laying on the mattress, face rubbing on the blanket, purring. This was a better way to live.
In my mind the lizard dragon and cat fought and scraped for supremacy ending with the cat winning and the dragon screeching as it shrunk. Showing a new chart with higher levels of cat power focused on love. Which is how my mind would be adjusted.
The rest of the experience I time traveled backwards into time to understand different seemingly unrelated events that needed to take place in exactly the correct order. Also forward in time to show me what could be possible. Beautiful realities that are attainable and I believe and trust them. Also providing me confidence to stand up be a leader and lead with love.
I am still processing the entire week but that is a little snap shot of that ceremony. Amazing and beyond words. I am fully bought in and excited for the following 3 nights.
The other members of the group had varying levels of intensity and confidence in the experience and their relationship with ayahuasca. Some freaked out and became paranoid, some lowered the dose as it was too intense, and some sat out. I went in the other direction and doubled down. I fully believed in it and wanted to see where it would take me.
The following night, excited, I take my cup and eagerly wait. Nothing again and I am frustrated. I came out here to learn, not to get eaten by mosquitos in the jungle. I was losing faith in the medicine and the center. 1 for 3 is not a good success rate and was worried the next two would go the same way.
Speaking to the facilitators and sharing my frustrations they supported me in drinking more.
The night of the fourth ceremony I was a man on a mission. I had my mind made up and felt called to take more. Same process as the previous nights but given a bigger first cup and the shamans passed good energy into the cup. I felt these were nice gestures but ultimately, singing doesn’t increase the potency.
Returning to my mat I knew that if I purged before taking the additional cups, I would not be able to keep it down. I was not feeling anything and it was a race against time.
Not knowing how much time had passed and fearing I would be sick, I knocked on the ground to get the attention of the facilitators. Asking for an additional cup and being told it would be called in 30 mins but they could give me some now, which I accepted. Approaching the shamans the second cup is hard to take as the taste is so recent in my memory.
Sitting and waiting in the dark, second cup is called and I raise my hand, again. The facilitator asking me if that was a good idea. I told him I wanted it. The shaman originally denying me but eventually pouring me a cup. The cup even harder to swallow this time, hoping third time was the charm.
With 3x the normal dose in my stomach I sat with my back against the wall. I felt like a witch was stirring the contents of a cauldron which was my stomach and cooking it, waiting until it was ready.
Soon after drinking the final cup the shamans started to make their rounds. I was first and while being worked on it started to come on strong. I started by sitting upright and slowly unable to sit up, melted into the mat.
Next the woman shaman came chanting her song. I didn’t last very long before I was swept away and had to lay down, immediately followed by purging into the bucket. Her chanting intensifying, helping me expel and purge. I felt as if I was connected to her songs. Luring me out of my mind, surrendering, and into the ayahuasca induced plane of consciousness.
Again, I’ll try to explain parts. Once swept away I lived and died 1000 lifetimes and watched and felt my mind being smashed with a hammer in an effort to break programming. It was destroying linear based thinking replacing it with an understanding that it isn’t how things work. Something I have been working on internalizing recently.
Next seeing that all people are searching for something and have more receptors than we realize and pick up on more than we can understand. That the world needs leaders to stand up and be brave. Holding up their light probe on the top of a growing mountain to attract others. Understanding that others are looking for you as much as you are looking for them.
This experience was extremely personal and incredibly positive but most of my writing will stay in my journals.
I relived painful memories from my childhood and watched them from the sidelines. Seeing things as embarrassingly obvious now and ashamed I acted in such a way. Working out the relationship with my parents and grudges I’ve held onto based on feelings I manifested and not based on truth and reality.
Remembered good memories and hard ones. I cried for hours. Sad tears, happy tears, and tears I had been holding back.
I saw friends and those who had shown me love which I rejected because at the time I just wasn’t capable of it. I felt ashamed and embarrassed but knew it was repairable. I needed to take the steps and I knew what to do.
Watching from above, I was a hermit crab shedding its old shell, leaving it behind and being washed away by the waves. Except I recognized the old shell as how I used to view myself. I recognized him but realized I could never love him.
Floating above the dying personality shell I saw myself in an image I could love, my perfect state. The traits, behavior, and unquantifiable metrics that would embody him. It felt achievable and something I wanted nothing more than to work towards. Trusting that if I could be him, everything else would fall in place. It was success and it was unquantifiable. Something I didn’t think was possible.
Sharing with the group the next day I was still in an altered state. It didn’t feel real and felt I had reached my core being and demolished it with a pickax, a part of me which I had built walls around and protected for so long. I had new truths and felt like I had accomplished what I had set out. Understanding that this was not the finish line of healing but the start. This wasn’t a take a pill solution, it would only stick if I chose to live it.
The final ceremony I elected to drink again but only took one cup and was not expecting much. With the medicine still in me from the previous night I still had a powerful experience reinforcing the lessons from the previous night. Though I was so exhausted by this point, it was hard to be an active participant.
After going through it I can understand now. I feel that I did the work I set out to and in a sense reborn, except while retaining my previous memories. I have changed so much since I started planning this trip and while I remember how I used to be, I don’t recognize me.
I am even more excited for the future and taking an active role creating it. I am also more at peace with not knowing what will happen but trusting in my intuition.
Back in Lima and back in cell service I connected with my family and friends. Based on their taken back reactions it was unexpected to say the least. I’m taking that as a good sign of change.
Spending a few days decompressing and processing, I knew I had to plan out the rest of this adventure. Creating a schedule of my route and maps to accompany them. I also booked my plane ticket home from Buenos Aires on December 19th. Excited that I’ll be making it home for Christmas this year.
Two more months left to wrap up this adventure and I am ready. I remember speaking to someone telling me that I would know when I am ready to head back. Thinking they were crazy and I would never be ready, understanding now they were right.
I am still enjoying everyday but I am excited for my next adventure too.
- Joe