I feel so good I can't even describe it. As I rode my bike into the last day of work I was driving erratically and howling at the top of my lungs. The dominos are falling and my new reality is forming. I wish I could bottle this feeling and save it for later. Unfortunately, that is not an option but I can make sure to remember how I feel and ensure the present doesn't pass me by while looking forward to the future.
Wednesday was my last day of work. Thank you to everyone for all the support in helping me reach this moment. For the all the conversations, kind words, and encouragement along the way to give me the confidence to take this step. While I am taking this trip by myself I would be foolish to think I accomplished any of this on my own. I have been picturing this day over the past few months and dreaming of it ever since I started working. Wednesday exceeded any expectations I had or could have dreamed. This past weekend was the best night of buck hunter I have ever had. Thank you for everyone who came out to see me off. It really meant the world to me and I will keep those memories forever. As ecstatic as I am to take off on this trip I am mournful knowing that life will look different for myself and everyone I know a year from now. There is a very real possibility that I will not see many people again. As I am living my life others will live theirs and it will take them on their own journey. I appreciate the time we have spent together and look forward to seeing all of our futures. Godspeed.
I have been thinking over the past few days about how others would spend their time if they had a year to do anything they wanted. When I was growing up I had a newspaper route and a pet sitting service with my sister. Joe and Sarah's Pet Sitting Service had a monopoly on the neighborhood with our magnetic business cards. As I got a little older and would stress about working and getting a "real" job, my dad would always say "you have your entire life to work", I thought he was crazy. Keeping up with classmates on internships and gaining work experience seemed to be the only thing that mattered. I also couldn't believe or understand how the guy who never took a vacation was encouraging me to not get a job. While every experience in my life has added up to the present moment, and all needed to occur inorder to create this reality, I think I am finally understanding what he meant.
While I have been saying my goodbyes, I have not heard "be safe" as often as I have for what feels like a lifetime. The last time I heard it was the last time I was with my dad. He used to say "be safe" so often growing up that it drove me insane. Going skiing? "be safe" Going to school? "be safe" Riding bikes? "be safe" Going to Wawa? "be safe". It was non-stop and no matter how much Sarah and I detested its use, he persisted. That last time was so strange, as I hugged him goodbye I prepared for him to say ”be safe" but for the first time thought to myself, I am really going to miss that when it's gone. And I was right. Hearing it now has a completely different feeling. It’s comforting and reassuring, reminds me that he is never really gone. Good or bad, dead or alive, memories and the impacts we have on others are what stay around when we are not physically present. While I am not sure he would have approved of the destinations, activities, or length of time of this trip, I think he would have understood my logic behind my decision to go and I’m sure he would have told me to “be safe”.
People have been asking me what I am looking forward to the most and it is a difficult question. There isn’t a location or activity so important that if it didn’t occur I would be devastated. I am looking forward most to waking up on Tuesday mornings. If I was able to look back and quantify the number of responsibility-less days by day of the week, my theory is Tuesday would have the least amount. If I were to take a long weekend, normally I would take off Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; not the front part of the week. There are a handful of Tuesdays I can remember where I wasn’t working or in school. I might even say the last time I had a consistent streak of responsibility-less Tuesdays would have been before I started kindergarten. I often think of the storage of thoughts and memories as files and my brain as a hard drive. Not in the sense that it can run out of space but in a sense of how much detail can be stored and the associated file size. I have no idea what happened two Tuesdays ago, I imagine I went to work and ate food but I can’t be sure, the detail and file size are not there. On the other hand, I can tell you step-by-step what I did Tuesday in Belize or Sicily no matter how long ago that took place. I can’t imagine I will have a Rain man style memory of this next year but I hope I can create as many of those large memory files -on Tuesdays specifically- as possible.
Folks have also been asking what I am looking to get out of this trip or what I am searching and hope to find. I don’t like this question and I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that I don’t have an answer. I like to think that this trip will have a positive impact on my future self and the timeline of the rest of my life but I can’t be sure. I am afraid of something bad happening and impacting me physically or mentally for the rest of my life. Some sort of accident in a far away land that leaves me in a vegetative state gives me nightmares. If I had a crystal ball and could see that coming, I’m sure I wouldn’t be going. On the other hand, If I had the same crystal ball and could see happy times making large memory files, I’m sure I would be going. The fear of the unknown and what could happen, cannot outweigh the upside of the positive possibilities and stop me from living the fullest life I can while I am able.
I am heading back to Philly now to drop off HashBrown with my mom and head to a friends wedding. HB will be a Philly cat now and I will really miss him. Even when he would throw up on my bed or shit on my pillow, I will miss him. He has been an excellent companion and his hugs are one of a kind. I think more people will miss him more than me and I don’t blame them. He has been the only constant in my life over the past five years, not like he had a choice but still. I never thought of myself as a cat person and still don’t, but I am a HashBrown person. Thanks mom for helping me make this trip a reality and providing HB a safe loving place to stay while I am gone. I know he will have a lot of fun.
T-10 days until I leave. It still doesn’t feel quite real but I think that is normal.
